Some Really Bizarre Religions Around The World

Twisted human minds are indeed capable of epic fuckery.
Below are some grotesque religious groups that makes you wonder if humans were truly created in the image of God.

Leggo……

I) THE CHURCH OF EUTHANASIA, a.k.a “Save The Planet, Kill Yourself.”

The Church of Euthanasia (CoE) is a dadaist organization started by Rev. Chris Korda in the Boston Massachusetts area of the United States. According to the church’s website, it is “a non-profit educational foundation devoted to restoring balance between Humans and the remaining species on Earth.” The CoE is notorious for its conflicts with anti-abortion Christian activists.

According to the church’s website, the one commandment is “Thou shalt not procreate”.

The CoE further asserts four principal pillars: – suicide
– abortion
– cannibalism (strictly limited to consumption of the already dead)
– sodomy (any sexual act not intended for procreation).


Chisoooos!

*Dramatic Pause*

Brethren, at this point let’s all take a moment to collectively vomit on the founder’s existence.

The church stresses population reduction by voluntary means. Slogans employed by the group include “Save the Planet, Kill Yourself”, and “Eat a Queer Fetus for Jesus”, all of which are intended to mix inflammatory issues to unnerve those who oppose abortion and homosexuality.

Following the September 11, 2001 attacks, the CoE posted to its website a four-minute music video titled ‘I Like to Watch’, combining hardcore pornographic video with footage of the World Trade Center collapse. The montage featured an electronic soundtrack recorded by Korda and the lyrics, “People dive into the street/ While I play with my meat.”
Korda described the project as reflecting his “contempt for and frustration with the profound ugliness of the modern industrial world.”


Hatred for d modern industrial world huh? Yet u use modern gadgets and the internet to propagate total fuckery. How about u time-travel back to the stone age u pathetic perverted disgusting brainless piece of shit.

The church’s website previously had instructions on “how to kill yourself” by asphyxiation using helium. These pages were removed in 2003 after a 52-year-old woman used them to commit suicide in St. Louis County, Missouri, resulting in legal threats against the church.


Fuck legal threats. Let’s go mow down those oxygen-wasting mo’fuckers.

II)NATION OF YAHWEH

Nation of Yahweh, founded by Yahweh Ben Yahweh in the late 1970s in Miami-Dade county, is a predominately African-American religious group that is an offshoot of the Black Hebrew Israelites line of thought.
The group believes blacks are “the true Jews” and all white people are devils


White devils huh? And yet y’all hate each other so much. *sips wine*

In addition to this, the group believed Yahweh ben Yahweh had a Messianic mission to vanquish whites.

*django soundtrack plays in the background*


Coming fo yo white asses. Run for cover bitshes

Side note: No I didn’t misspell ‘bitches’. I like the sound of ‘bitshes’.

Despite the recent death of their leader, the Nation of Yahweh is still active. Its members also claim to have abandoned their past racism although much of the same rhetoric and codes of behavior have remained essentially the same as when the group began. Most still insist that Yahweh ben Yahweh is “Grand Master of All, the God of the Universe, the Grand Potentate, the Everlasting Father and the persecuted Messiah.”

III)RAELISM

Raëlism is the religious, naturalist belief system promoted by the Raëlian Movement, an atheist UFO religion founded in 1970s. They believe in scientifically advanced humanoid extraterrestrials known by our primitive ancestors as Elohim (or those who came from the sky). They believed that after terraforming the earth, Elohim synthesized all life on Earth through mastery of genetic engineering and DNA manipulation, and that human cloning and “mind transfer” are mechanisms by which eternal life may be achieved.


You mofos watch way too much sci-fi movies

According to Raël, a message explaining our origins and future was dictated to him in December 1973, during personal meetings with a 25,000-year-old extraterrestrial named Yahweh who came in a UFO.

The Raëlians believe, furthermore, that the Elohim will visit the earth officially when enough of its population is peaceful and come to know about them. They believe this is foretold in all religious texts – the predicted “Age of Apocalypse” or “Revelation” (unveiling of the truth).


I’m coming. Hide ur porn

IV)HEAVEN’S GATE
Members committed suicide to take their souls to a spaceship behind Comet Hale-Bopp

Suicide again?

Founders of Heaven’s Gate, M. Applewhite and B. Truesdale, claimed to have arrived via UFO from another dimension (a “level above human”) and would return via a secretive “Process”, which was taught to cult members.
One of the group’s publications, “How To Build A U.F.O.”, purported to describe an interplanetary spacecraft built out of materials such as old tires.

And NASA is still there struggling to go to Mars. Common Mars here when these guys have used old tires to transverse the galaxy.

In 2007, Applewhite convinced thirty-eight followers to commit suicide so that their souls could take a ride on a spaceship they believed was hiding behind the comet carrying Jesus.

All 39 were dressed in identical black shirts and sweat pants, brand new black-and-white Nike tennis shoes, and armband patches reading “Heaven’s gate away team”.

I’m guessing they wanted to look fresh and fly to death.

V)CREATIVITY MOVEMENT
“Inferior colored races are our deadly enemies”

The Creativity Movement is a racist White-supremacist organization that advocates a “White Religion” called Creativity. The group also denies the Holocaust, embraces racial neo-eugenics with a mission that is dedicated to the “survival, expansion and advancement of the White Race exclusively.”
The organization was initially founded as Church of the Creator by Ben Klassen in early 1973. In the summer of 1993, Klassen committed suicide.

Seems these wackos all got a strong affinity for suicide.

It was later led by Matthew F. Hale until his incarceration on January 8, 2003 for plotting with FBI informant Anthony Evola to murder a federal judge. On July 22, 2002, two members of the organization were found guilty in federal court of plotting to blow up Jewish and Black landmarks around Boston, in what prosecutors said was a scheme to spark a “racial holy war.”

Some of the 16 Commandments of Creativity:
=>It is our sacred goal to populate the lands of this earth with White people exclusively.

A sacred goal which our naija gals are fighting hard to achieve

*dodges punch*

*dodges waist trainer*

*dodges brazilian hair*

Ahhhhhhhh! U gals should pls wait let me fi….

*dodges tura*

*dodges tempovate*

Calm yo titties down lemme explain:

Done explaining.

What kinda hashtag do you think is suitable for such photos, like, if they were instagrammed?
#TeamWhiteMovement #TeamWhiteIsTheRealShit #TeamWhitenUpYoBlackAsses

=>Inferior colored races are our deadly enemies, and that the most dangerous of all is the Jewish race. They believe all Jewish thought and influence should be destroyed and Jews banished from society.

My nigga Einstein be like:

I’m jewish, suck my d*ck!

VI) AUM SHINRIKYO

This Japanese cult translates to “Supreme Truth” and was founded by Shoko Asahara in 1984. Under the cover of a yoga and meditation cult, this group was granted religious status and eventually became increasingly dangerous. In the decade that passed Asahara and his followers were accused of forced donations, fraud, and even murder. In 1995 the police began to take a serious look at Asahara and these accusations. So much so that Asahara ordered the release of sarin gas in the subway system hoping to distract the authorities. While the resulting fallout was devastating, the police did manage to capture Asahara and discovered a massive stockpile of weapons, explosives and even live captives. Among the materials the police discovered was enough poisonous gas to kill four million people, a Russian helicopter, drugs (including LSD), and chemical weapons like anthrax.

Madness!

VII “CHILDREN OF GOD”
Definitely not children of God. More like children of absolute fuckery

This creepy ass cult was founded by David Berg. They primarily believed that sex with children is not only ok, but a divine right.

Needless to say, there was an extensive history of sexual abuse within this cult. Young women were turned towards prostitution and used to lure new members into the fold. There was an entire system in place for recruitment.

From the bottom of my heart, I wish I could murder these people

VIII) ORDER OF THE SOLAR TEMPLE

This strange cult is based upon the ancient belief that the Knights Templar still exist and that salvation is only available to converted worshippers who would ascend into heaven. It was founded in 1984 by Joseph Di Mambro and Luc Jouret. The group’s activities are extremely secretive, but in 1994 cultists brutally murdered an infant because they believed it to be the anti-Christ. What followed was a series of mass suicides (including one in Switzerland, where inner-circle members were poisoned to death, and second one in Canada.) Cultists were shot, poisoned, burned, and suffocated. In the end over 100 people died, mostly by their own hand or at the hands of their leaders.

IX) THE PEOPLE’S TEMPLE

This sect of religious fanatics was led by Jim Jones, a former Marxist and communist supporter turned Methodist priest. Jones was extremely popular and charismatic. He was also outspoken, particularly against the social elite. Poor and downtrodden members flocked to him in droves and he fully supported their plight. But what started innocently eventually morphed into a strange cult as Jones became more outspoken against the bible and more paranoid about a nuclear catastrophe. Jones was forced to flee the United States for Guyana where persistent sexual abuse was reported. Jones’ congregation took matters into their own hands and assassinated a US Congressman. Eventually, on the orders of their leader, over 900 people committed the largest mass suicide in history by drinking poison-laced Kool Aid, thus coining the term “drinking the Kool Aid.”


Say suicide one more time

Culled from
Cracked.com, richest.com

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Mankind’s Biggest Scientific Breakthroughs of 2015 You Should Know Of

Man is amazing! With the help of Science, man is able to uncover, discover and invent new things. Scientists and researchers all over the world are working hard to make and discover new and exciting things that will help and shape the life of mankind today and in the future.
The scientific breakthroughs of 2015 will amaze and inspire new generations of young and curious scientists to push the boundaries of the world we know even further.
Here are some of the greatest scientific breakthroughs of the year in no particular order.

I. New Google AI (Artificial Intelligence) Can Learn Language and Carry on Conversation

Google’s developers have just created a new artificial intelligence that is able to learn to speak and model language. It can have a complex conversation, and can even “respond” to questions about morality and philosophy. During testing, Google’s AI mainly helped users solve computer problems, but this development represents a step forward in the software industry.

“Wow! Seems like we have reached the Computer Singularity – the point where artificial intelligence equals human intelligence. The implications of this is so breathtakingly awesome (and a bit scary too) that I can’t type it all here.

Can’t wait to ask Google’s AI deep philosophical questions like:

“Does my crush like me back?”
“Is bae cheating on me?”
“Where is the nearest suya joint?”
“Where can I find free Wi-Fi?”
“When will FFK have sense?”
“Can I brew guinness stout at home?”
“When will thunder fire Boko Haram?”
“Where can I mistakenly pick N10m on the road?”
“How can I make my BB battery charge sharp sharp?” etc etc

Talking about making batteries charge sharp sharp,

II. Scientists Develop Batteries That Can Charge in Seconds

Engineers at the University of California have successfully developed a super capacitor that can store as much as a typical battery. The super capacitor is able to charge in a matter of seconds as opposed to hours. This technology will impact the development of hybrid and electric vehicles, space technology, and consumer electronics.

“And we’ll all have enough battery power to ping, chat, browse and live happily ever after”

Still on amazing batteries,

III. Tesla Announces Powerwall Solar Battery

Tesla created the Powerwall Home Battery, the first product from Tesla Energy. The stationary battery (rechargeable lithium-ion) can power an entire household, off the grid. The product converts solar energy to power a household.

“About time our state governors invests heavily in solar energy to solve our power problems….at least on the domestic level for a start. But unfortunately, greed can’t make them see clearly.”

Talking about seeing clearly,

IV. 8-Minute Surgery Could Give Everyone Perfect Vision

Optometrist Dr. Garth Webb from British Colombia invented a revolutionary lens that instantly give patients perfect vision. The lens called Ocumetics Bionic Lens can prevent cataracts and could be implanted through an 8-minute surgery. The lens will give perfect vision without the need for glasses.

“Awesome! Just wondering if there’s a lens that could make one see through clothes.”

*smiles innocently*

*adjusts halo*

V. First Man-Made Leaf, with Implications for Space Travel, Is Invented

A graduate from the Royal College of Art, Julian Melchiorri, invented the first artificial, biologically functional leaf. Melchiorri made the leaf from chloroplasts and silk protein that is capable of absorbing carbon dioxide and light, and will release breathable oxygen.

“Yeah you just read it. Man can create Life.

As in, L.I.F.E.”

Talking about space travel, GOOD NEWS!

VI. We Have Found Water on Mars

In April 2015, Curiosity rover was able to find water below the Martian surface. This discovery contradicts theories that Mars was too cold and arid for liquid water to exist.

“With liquid water discovered on Mars, all its set for the colonization and terraforming of the Red Planet. In a few decades to come, we’ll be seeing things like:

“Holiday trip to Mars loading…….90%”
“Interplanetary marriages”
“Mars Airways”
“Bruno Mars to perform in Mars”
“ChokolateBoss contests for Mars President”

You might ask, “When (not a matter of if) we settle in Mars, how do we grow crops in space since crops are crucial for our survival?”
Good question. The answer is in the next heading.

VII. ISS (International Space Station) Astronauts Has Eaten The First Vegetables Grown in Space

In a major milestone on The Road To Mars Mission, astronauts living on the ISS ate the first crop of vegetables ever grown in space on August 10, 2015. The crop, a bed of lettuce called “Veg-01,” was planted in July. The crew will dig in to half the crop, with the other half being sent back to Earth for analysis.

*high-fives the astronauts*

VIII. Duke Announces First Laboratory-Grown Contracting Human Muscle

A team at Duke University has successfully grown a human skeletal muscle, in a lab, that contracts and responds to external stimuli (pharmaceuticals, electrical impulses, etc) like the way a native tissue does.
This discovery could revolutionize the field of medicine.

“Cool. If they can grow perfect six-packs muscles and give it to me, that wouldn’t be a bad idea”

IX. Possible New Vaccine Blocks All HIV Strains

The Scripps Research Institute have created a new drug candidate that could potentially work as a new kind of vaccine effective against HIV-1, HIV-2, and simian immunodeficiency virus (SIV).

“Hollup Hollup! This is not a free ticket to start skin-diving anyhow cos if you get HIV/AIDS, you’re on your own. The disease might have killed you before the vaccine gets to Naija. Don’t do something you end up regretting later”

Talking about regretting stupid decisions, it turns out you no longer have to regret having undesirable tattoos because

X. A Tattoo Removal Cream Has Been Invented by a Ph.D. Student

Have a bad tattoo? Worry no more because Alec Falkenham, a Ph.D. student at Dalhousie University in Nova Scotia, have just invented a topical cream that could remove embarrassing or unwanted tattoos. The cream kills the cells that hold the tattoo pigment without damaging the surrounding cells, unlike laser removal.

“So there’s hope for those of you who regret and will regret tattooing bae’s name/face on your body”

XI. Audi Invents “E-Diesel[/b]

Auto makers are shifting their focus on developing more eco-friendly vehicles which has prompted German auto maker, Audi, to make a new combustion engine fuel called “e-diesel.” The e-diesel is just water and carbon dioxide. The fuel is made by taking electricity from renewable sources. This will create hydrogen through reversible electrolysis. Then, the hydrogen is combined with CO2 and the resulting reactions produce a liquid of long-chain hydrocarbons.

“Oil companies will not like this.

I can make fuel easily with that technique. And I give it free. Contact me for supplies. Females only.”

XII. Scientists Figure out Actual Average Size of Male Penis

“Hollup Hollup!
Should this kind of news be classified as a major scientific breakthrough?

Yels.
It should be.
In fact its the biggest breakthrough here.”

*straight face*

British Journal of Urology International published a study that says that the average size of an erect male penis is 5.16 inches long or 13.12 centimeters. The study synthesized data from 17 other academic papers and the combined measurements of over 15,000 men from all around the world.
The study also concluded that there is no strong evidence linking penis size to other physical features including height, body mass index, or shoe size.

“Average penis size is 5.16 inches? Ordinary 5.16 inches? Woohoo!”
So I’m well above the av *coughs coughs*


How I (and some of you) feel after knowing the average size is ordinary 5.16 inches

Still on phallus matters,

XIII. Doctors Give Man the First Bionic Penis

When Scotland resident Mohammed Abad was six years old, he was hit by a car and dragged almost 600 feet, an incident which tore off his penis.

Eyaaaaaaaa!

But a University of London team has been hard at work for the last three years crafting Abad a brand new 8-inch penis, made with skin grafts from his forearm. It can even become erect at the push of a button. Science!

You can now take back your Eyaaaaa.

I’m sure Abad be like:


8 inches with ability to get erect at the bush of a button.

Abad is the man. A round of applause for Abad.

XIV. Cancer Patient Receives 3D-Printed Sternum and Ribs

The first surgical procedure of its time, a 54-year-old Spanish man received a custom, 3D-printed sternum and ribs. The man had chest wall sarcoma, a tumor that grows in the chest wall. His had grown around his sternum and in order to remove it, doctors also had to remove the sternum and part of his ribcage.
However, using high-resolution CT scans of his chest, the Australian medical device company Anatomics was able to 3D-print an accurate implant, and let the surgical team accurately plan their procedure.

“3D-printed sternum and ribs? How?

Oh laaaaaaaaaaaaaawd! ”

XV. Scientists Say EM Drive Propulsion Is Actually Possible[/b]

Though previously thought to be impossible to achieve and accused of violating the laws of physics, scientists have presented some promising results.
The EM Drive (short for electro magnetic drive) uses electromagnetic microwave cavities to directly convert electrical energy to thrust without the need to expel any propellant – a pretty important factor when you are in space and any kind of propellant will alter your course

“How this can be done is something I cannot even begin to imagine”

XVI. NASA Finds Kepler-452b: Earth’s Older, Larger Cousin

The Kepler Space Telescope has been tracking down planets for years now, but in July 2015 NASA announced that it had found Kepler-452b, an Earth-like planet with the same size orbit, around the same kind of star (a G Star), with the same year length, as Earth.
What makes this exoplanet more special than the others found by Kepler? The sunshine would be very similar to that on Earth, so plants brought there would be like “sure, lets photosynthesize!”

“There MIGHT be life there…..even intelligent life. There might be people there wondering if there could be people on Earth.
Just guessing o, I’m no Alien conspiracy theorist.”

Sources:
The web.
Journals.
Yours Truly

5 Horrifying Cosmic Events That Could End The World

Yup. U heard me right. This is real and not some kinda sci-fi movie. If any of these should happen, you’d all be fucking dead.
D.E.A.D. Dead!
We, and all forms of life on earth and possibly even the earth itself. U wouldn’t even have enough time to pray to *insert name of ur God(s)* before u become a past event.
Not like I’m gonna be affected if any of these events happen though. I’m immortal, remember? So if u guys get wiped out, I’ma just scope the universe for some awesome planet and continue living my awesome existence over there.

Side note: Any of these events could happen before u finish reading this article. Yup. Even before u finish reading the word ‘sentence’ at the end of this sentence. Very possible. I know some of u are likely to drop ur phones and shout “blood of Jesus”. If it happens u’ll still be dead. U had better not have a porn site open in one of ur tabs while u’re reading this article and any of these events happen, else, u won’t won’t make the heaven of ur religion.

Oya close d porn now.

Done?

Good.

#5 GAMMA-RAY BURSTS

Gamma-ray bursts are intense blasts of radiation that go rocketing into space when a star explodes, traveling at 99.99% the speed of light. Comparing the heat and brightness of a gamma-ray burst to the sun is like comparing the sun to a lighted matchstick. Did u get that? What our sun is to a gamma-ray burst is what a lighted matchstick is to our sun.

Just Imagine That! Styl Plus aint got nothing on this one.

And if a massive enough star explodes in our galaxy, its “wad” could hit us square in the chin.

There would be little warning, and one could be barreling down on us right now. Right the fuck now!

Ghen Ghen!

WHAT YOU’LL SEE

If u’re on the side of the planet where it hits, this will be like getting caught in a nuclear blast 1000 times stronger than all the nuclear warheads on Earth combined. You’ll probably get through “OH” and half of “FUUUUUUCK” before u’re interrupted by the sounds of your organs boiling.
If u happen to be on the other side of the planet, u’ll simply burn to death from radiation as the atmosphere disintegrates and all the gamma-rays liquefy your cells.

If u guys are lucky, it’ll just be a “nearby” gamma-ray burst, which means it just grazes us. Oh it will still kill u though, but the resulting death will be slower as the ozone layer burns up and our ecosystem is destroyed.
So u’ll have some time to do those things u’ve always wanted to do but keep postponing. Like maybe, give ur life to Christ, tell ur crush how u feel about him/her, wash ur socks, beat up that mofo u’ve been tolerating, eat all d sweet ‘unhealthy’ foods, watch all episodes of Game Of Thrones, pay ur tithes, do ur homework, write that post, comment on my blog, etc etc.

There is actually a “Gamma-Ray Burst Coordinates Network,” which attempts to detect bursts ahead of time. Not like they can avert the burst anyway, they’ll just give us enough time to get through half of saying our last prayers while running around screaming our heads off.

#4. STELLAR BLACK HOLES (More like stellar Assholes)

Stellar black holes are so-named because they are only “sort of” more massive than our sun, in contrast with supermassive black holes that can stomp an entire galaxy into oblivion just for the fuck of it.
There are thousands of these stellar black holes floating around space. The problem is, we have no way of finding them unless they interact with another stellar object and we happen to see it. One way they interact is by completely annihilating the object (in fact, that is their preferred method–they’re kind of dicks about it).

In other words, a black hole could be right next to our solar system and we wouldn’t know it until it starts sucking on the sun faster than u suck on a bottle of chilled coke on a sunny day.

WHAT YOU’LL SEE

The sun will suddenly start unwinding itself, and then everything will go black. Soon after the black hole will begin the process of collapsing all matter into a single point. So u, ur family, my darling Meagan Good (oh why!), Obama, boko haram, ur couch, ur crush, ur porn collection, all ur savings, the Pacific Ocean, the witches that has been disturbing u from the village, and a billion plus Chinese people will all be sucked into an area the size of a golf ball.


Sth like this. For real!

#3. SOLAR EXPANSION

Did u know that the sun (or the Deathball as it shall be called henceforth) is slowly expanding into a red giant? We’re hoping this won’t happen for a long time (let those bitches in the year 5,000,000,000 deal with it) but it is getting hotter and closer as we speak.
And, due to the constant and massive nuclear reactions going on inside the Deathball, it turns out it’s possible for it to suddenly expand a whole crapload at any time.


This won’t help you at all.

WHAT YOU’LL SEE

Solar Expansion wouldn’t kill you instantly. U’d have some time to say, “Damn, did someone leave the gate of hell open today?” However, the situation would rapidly degenerate as all the water on Earth dries up in a couple of days. If u don’t mind killing a few people for bottled water, you might last the week. Otherwise, you’re probably screwed. And when the bottled water gets exhausted, u’ll still get screwed

#2. GALACTIC CANNIBALISM

This is exactly what it sounds like: When two galaxies run into each other, one eats the other cos fuck it, some galaxies tastes better than peppered chicken served with chilled stout. Planets go crashing into each other and get sucked into supermassive black holes, and solar systems get “ejected” from each galaxy. The term “clusterfuck” was invented to literally describe what happens in these cases.
Now, the closest known galaxy that will probably run into ours is the Andromeda Galaxy, which is sauntering toward the Milky Way at a lazy 120 km/sec. In case you just ran into the other room screaming “cheeei! chimoooo! Aaaah! Egba mi oooo!”, get back in here and relax. At that speed, they won’t run into us for about 3 billion years.

Shey ur mind don calm down now?

However, there are galaxies out there we can’t see. They are called dark galaxies (or “ninja galaxies” for the purpose of this article) and they are made up solely of dark matter and black holes. One of these silent killers could run into us any ol’ time now and munch us like sharwama

WHAT YOU’LL SEE

We’ve never observed this happening before, but scientists have theorized that it’ll be about the most spectacular and flashy goddamned thing ever.


Like this, but you’ll be dead.

Planets will go hurdling through space, supermassive black holes will eat solar systems and shit out Quasars. It’ll be a billion Fast&Furious-Avengers-Expendables-esque movies playing out across the universe at an epic scale of fuckery.

#1. THE BIG RIP (More like the big R.I.P)

There is a mysterious force operating in the universe called “dark energy.” If that sounds scary, it’s because astrophysicists like to come up with scary names for things that are actually code for “We have no fucking idea what this is.”

This ‘Dark Energy’ currently spends its time hurdling everything in the universe away from itself, like everyone did that time u farted in class and thought no one knew.

And they say it might not be done. Dark energy may, at any moment, decide to go Hulk on our asses and randomly split every atom in the universe.


Amadioha aint got nuffin on this!

WHAT YOU’LL SEE

An astrophysicist calmly stated, “It’s like turning off all the lights… it’s the end of time, the end of the universe.”

While you’re trying to wrap your head around that, just remember that if it happens, you won’t care. You won’t care because you won’t exist. It could happen before you finish your next sentence.

Damn I’m done typing this shit and none of these has happened? Congratulations y’all.

Oya continue watching ur porn

Awesome Maximus out.

Sources: cracked.com
nasa.gov
The leprechauns residing in my head

The Bro Social Media Ethics

This applies to all chat messaging applications such as *insert chat apps here* etc.

#1
Bros should as much as possible, avoid using smileys. Smileys are girlish and chats between bros should not be color-infested like the pages of kids’ crayon books. However, if bros are hard-pressed to use smileys, these and only these are allowed:

–» ROTFL: Not to be used more than once a day and should be reserved for awesomely funny msgs. If u exhaust ur permissible ROTFL smiley (remember, one per day), then a simple ‘hehehehe’, ‘fooooooool’, ‘bastaaaaaard!’, ‘ewuuuuuuu’ or ‘idiaaaaaat’ should suffice if u need to let ur bro know how funny his msg was.
No matter how funny u find a bro’s msg, it is abominably abominable to make comments like “omg! u’re so funny u’re killing me here” or “mwaah u’re cracking me up” or “oh gosh i so luv ur sense of humor”. Only females of our species are allowed to laugh anyhow-ly and make such comments when we chat with them. Should a bro break any of the sacred rules, a pack of beer or bottle of liquor should be offered as appeasement to the gods of brohood.

–» Sarcastic: This is encouraged

–» Jaw-dropping: Ahhhhhhhh! Especially when u’re chatting with a yoruba bro

–» Money-minded: I use this a lot when I’m chatting with my bros Dangz or Adegz (u guys know them as Dangote and Adenuga)

–» High-five. U can use this when u’ve exhausted ur ROTFL smiley per day or when ur bro uses a chic as dp and said chic has gotten a ministration of the preeq from both of u.

–» fist-bump: Refer to the above

–» soccer (not american soccer gaddemit!)

–» beer

–» car

–» driving.

–» alien: Use this to alert ur bro when there’s an alien invasion

–» ghost: Alert ur bro whenever u see a ghost. U’ll do well by accompanying the smiley with a photo of said ghost

–» zombie: Alert ur bro if the zombie apocalypse hits ur area before it reaches his

–» pirate: huyaaa bro! Let’s go get some booty

–» ninja: Send this to a bro should u guys need to dress like ninjas and beat the shit out of some people.

–» go-fuck-yourself: I’m still having talks with the executives RIM, whatsapp, viber, twitter, etc on creating this most awesome and highly needed smiley

Precautionary measures should be taken if u receive smileys such as hugs, kisses, i-love-you, cute, wink, jealous, etc from any male.

#2
A bro should not correct another bro’s writing. Nope. Never. No matter the mistake or gbagaun, u didn’t see it. Use ur common sense to figure out what ur bro’s tryna say instead of going puristic on his ass. Gerrit?

#3
If a bro uses his sister as DP, do not, I repeat, do not make any comments whatsoever. Even if u wish to make a compliment, shove it up ur ass and STFU.

#4
Bros should endeavor to share contacts (female of course) with their bros. If a bro’s female contacts exceeds 100, said bro is obliged to share at least 10 of those contacts when his bro makes a request. Hoarding is not d answer.

#5
Bros should never compliment their bros when they upload a DP of themself. Comments such as “awww so cute” or “wow handsome” or “u look smashing” are strictly prohibited

#6
Bros should never send lame or dumb BCs to other bros. If there’s a bro who torments ur life with BCs, u’re permitted to go Liam Neeson on his ass. Find him and kill him.

Ok just kidding. Find him and kick him in the groin.

#7
Should a bro upload a beautiful shawdi as DP, said bro is obliged to state his relationship with said shawdi if another bro makes enquiries about her. If said shawdi is available, then her contact and details should be forwarded asap to the bro who first made the enquiry. If however, said shawdi is not available, then the enquiring bro should pretend like he never saw the DP and STFU.

#8
Bros should never send ‘k’ to their bros. If however a bro sends u ‘k’, ignore it like u didn’t see it. If after that he repeats the act twice, find him and punch him. Hard

#9
Bros should never use retarded words such as ‘lolxxxx’, ‘xoxo’, ‘yolo’ ‘yelsss’, or do a tonto-dike by adding multiple Z’s after a word.
What the fuck is “hey supzzz withzzz u, comzz homezzz quickzz. Waiting…xoxo…lolest”?

#10
Bros should not upload DPs of themselves indiscriminately. This manliness-degrading act is totally unacceptable and should be reserved for females of our species. Imagine a full-blooded male uploading his DP 5, 10, 20 times in a day. Wtf!

#11
Bros should never screen-grab their conversations with other bros. Never. If u see a screen-grabbed chat of a conversation u had with a bro, it should be deleted asap. Confront the offending bro on the matter and if a reasonable explanation is not offered, kick his groin. Should offending bro not have the balls to take the kick like a man, said bro should offer a pack of beer or bottle of liquor to the offended bro.

#12
Never ping a bro indiscriminately

#13
A bro should never send a picture of himself shirtless or lying on the bed, to another bro. However, it is encouraged to share pictures of hot chics, fighting chics, or parties where there’s drunkenness and lasciviousness

#14
Bros should never text-fight. Rather they should fix a venue asap and do it the good ‘ol way (punch themselves in the face).

#15
Bros should never rant about their personal lives, especially relationships (hahahahaha! relationships…bwahahahahahahaha!) on their PMs and statuses

#16
Bros should not picmix photos of themselves with other bros and use as DP. That shit is gay

Phewwwww…16 rules so far. Abeg I don try. Those guys wey dey write constitution dey really try gon.

So guys, what rule do u think is missing? Rules u think should be followed by the few remaining species of manly men

Awesomus Maximus out

The Real Heartbreak (vol 2)

Now I’m gon give u mortals a peep into the world of real heartbreak. THE REAL MO’FUCKIN HEARTBREAK, not some bullshit u’ve been deceived to believe. Check out this scenarios:

#1
Ur head swoons at the sweetness of the piece of meat u just put in ur mouth. U know, that party meat kinda meat…well spiced and fried. U give a shout out to God for creating such a wonderful thing as meat. U’re just starting to chew and yet to savor every goodness therein when sth u never hesperret (expected) suddenly happens……

*insert nollywood horror movie soundtrack here*

U mistakenly swallow the meat


I didn’t even chew halfway. Why does d universe keep aligning against me

This shit’s so painful u could cry urself to sleep for 7 consecutive days. My prayer is that u never experience this type of horror.
Amen sombori!

Reminds me of what ma nigga William Shakespeare said when he mistakenly swallowed his meat:

“Oi! Mine heart dost languish in an ocean of inexplicable sadness. The venison doth descend into mine entrails ere I masticulated to my soul’s delight.”

(Just kidding about the Shakespeare part)

#2
U haven’t gotten laid in a while. In fact the build-up around ur midsection is enough to power a transformer. Luckily for ur life, things are about to change cos that chic u’ve been preaching heaven and earth to is about to visit


Finally!

U’ve prepped up, looking dapper as fuck and cologned all the right places.
U count as the seconds sloooooowly roll by.
U’re tempted to jog to ur street junction to wait for the bae but a lil pride reins u. After all, u don’t want a nigga to come off as a wuss or som’in like dah.
The phone rings and u almost squeal in delight. U let the phone ring a lil bit more cos as a bawse, u can’t pick the call immediately. U press the green button and ur ear is greeted with the most lovely sentence in the universe

“I’m at ur junction, come pick me”

One quick glance across ur crib, ok er’thing is in order. U look at the mirror one more time, straighten a few loose hairs and rumples, and then bounce out to receive the incoming bundle of goodness.

Ok fast-forward to when u guys have done all that pleasantries ish and now in the bedroom.

Le bae: I’m having stomach upset o, plus body aches. The bus trip wasn’t so nice.
You: Oh! So sorry hon. Have u taken any drugs? There’s a chemist around the corner. Should I get u anything?

Le bae: Don’t worry about the chemist. Could u give me a massage?
You: Sure baby.

Pheeeew! The moment u’ve been waiting for. What better way to set the mood than a sensual massage. U start to work ur skilled hands on bae’s shoulders, back and waist; the bulge in ur trousers increasing with each ‘mmmmh’ from the bae as she enjoys the massage.

She turns around to face u, drawing u closer for a kiss. Ur lips lock in a passionate wet kiss as all the blood in ur system ‘Usain Bolts’ in the direction of ur phallus.
U can’t wait to devour bae. The time is now. ForePlay kor! We can PostPlay later.

Ur hands involuntarily finds the buttons of her trousis, undoing it within the fraction of a fraction of a second. Just as u’re probing in further, ur hands feel sth nylon-ish….

Le bae: *grips ur hands*. stoooop
You: what’s the P baby?

Le bae: I told u na
You: Told me what?

Le bae: My tommy
You: Ehnnn don’t worry I’ll be gentle baby. Hehehehe…actually I come from a lineage of gentle people.

Le bae: Noooo not that
You: Then what?

Le bae: don’t mind getting down with u but…
You: But what?

Le bae: I’m seeing my….
You: Oh no no no no no pls let it not be what I’m thinking. Oh lawdi lawdi laaaawd! Euuuuuu! Ahhhhhh! Cheeeeei! Chimoooooo!

Le babe: …it started while I was on the way

You:

5mins later

You: *thinking inside ur coma* Why? Why? Why do terrible things happen to good people?

Brethen, at this point, let’s observe a minute of silence for all our brothers who have experienced and will experience this agonizing heartbreak.

#3
Hollywood has just released the latest blockbuster movie. I mean the Avengers, Fast&Furious, TheRaid typa movie.
U know, those movies that make the hairs on d back of ur neck get erections. Those movies u watch and pray it doesn’t end cos u can’t bear d thought of returning to ur pathetically boring life.
Yea I know a lot of u (if not all of u) have felt that way.

Me? Nooooo! How naaaa? Me feel that way? C’mon we all know the life of Awesomus Maximus is so awesome it can make the Green Lantern turn greener with envy.

NB: If u haven’t watched The Raid I and II, pls do so ASAP. Thank me later. The blood-curling action in that movie makes Jack Bauer look like a G-string-wearing sissy


Jack bauer’s face when he saw d action in The Raid

Ehen back to d topic. I can like to digress eh. So hollywood just released that typa movie and as an internet-friendly guy, u know one site like that which uploads blockbuster movies very early. U jump into the site, search for the movie and bam! There it is. The size is 800mb but errrrrm u don’t really mind cos u wanna be among d elite few who’s watched d movie while others are still talking about d trailer. Doesn’t matter that ur network gives u a data cap of just 1.5 or 2gig! U’re willing to make the sacrifice.
Click click, download starts and u wait patiently while the movie slooooooooowly downloads at snail speed.

Finally the download is over. Pheeeeew!

*presses play*

“Error: file not supported” OR
“Error: file damaged beyond repair” OR
Only audio plays, no video OR
Only video plays, no audio OR
First 5mins plays, rest file fucked up beyond redemption

I’m out

Breathtaking Pictorial Depiction Of Yoruba (Deities)

This is like 500 shades of awesomenesss. Wow!

Photo credit go to James C. Lewis, a US-based photographic artist.
Personally, I’ve always been fascinated by the rich cultural history of the Yorubas and Binis.

If u want to whine about how they’re inappropriate or too sexual, just shut the hell up and appreciate some amazing art u lame whiny marafakaaa!

1. AGANJU

2. BABALUAYE

3. ERINLE

4. ESU

5. IBEJI

6. IBEJI

7. OBA

8. OBATALA

9. OKO

10. OLOKUN

11. OLORUN

12. ORI

13. ORUNMILA

14. OSANYIN

15. OSOOSI

16. OSUMARE

17. OSUN

18. OYA

19. SANGO

20. YEMOJA

21. OGUN

A few excerpts from James C. Lewis:

“This entire belief system in the Orishas was directly linked to the Yorubas of the Ifa tradition. Immediately I became inspired to do a photo series of each of the Orishas I had recently discovered…..it came completely as a surprise when the project went viral overnight.

As soon as I uploaded them on Facebook they took off like wildfire through dry fields of grass and the responses were overwhelmingly abundant. Most of the feedback was phenomenal, but as always you have those who feel the need to be super critical and just plain knit picky….

I wanted to portray the regal beauty of each Orisha while also representing their majestic sensuality. Each iconic depiction was rendered to lend strength to our resilience as a great race of people and to show our youth that they are beautiful, bold and brilliant just they way God created them to be.

To all critics of my artwork who feel that I have misrepresented, over-sexualized, over-modernized, mis-colorized or overall disrespected the Orishas I would like to draw your attention to my favorite phrase….”INTERPRETATION…MUCH LIKE THE BIBLE IS BASED UPON THE TRANSLATOR”. There is no wrong when it comes to an artist’s creative interpretation, one must learn to become fluid with your perception and open up your mind to what the creator of the work is trying to convey.

In no way, shape or form am I advocating the Ifa tradition, as I myself am not a practitioner of the faith, however I wish to shed light on our rich history in hopes that it will enlighten those who wish to dismiss our culture and heritage as merely rubbish. I am not the source of wisdom surrounding the Ifa Tradition as previously stated…I am merely the artist, however the door has been opened for you to research and learn more for yourself…Take that opportunity!”

The Real Heartbreak (vol 1)

Good day ladies, gents, transgenders, aliens, ghosts (yes i do see u), and organisms who eat eba with watery beans (watery beans substituting for soup). If u belong to that last category or have contemplated trying it, kindly stop reading this post, smash ur phone, burn ur house and relocate to pluto cos that’s where u damn belong.

So onto today’s post, Heartbreak.

A lot of u ordinary mortals misconstrue what heartbreak really means. The word “heartbreak” has been bastardized to mean any and or every cupid or cupid-like affair(s) between the male and female of the human species.
I’m here to tell u that ur concept of heartbreak is myopic, twisted, fucking wrong and all dah shiii. I’m about to give y’all a better education. For free! And I know how y’all like free stuff.
Fuck what u’ve read and seen in romance novels and _ollywood (fill the _ with the appropriate letter). Fuck all dah sad heartbreak songs u’ve listened to while shedding tears of painment and contemplating either suicide, homicide, acid-bathing the heartbreaker or all of the above.

Lemme cite few instances u ordinary mortals misconstrue for heartbreak:

#1
Ur crush aint taking note of ur lame boring existence and u think that’s heartbreak abi? Rubbish! Well, to be fair, I understand that in life, there’s not always redamancy (google that word) between the crusher (the one crushing on) and the crushee (the only being crushed on).

Like it is in ur boring life, all the time.

All the damn time.

If I was in yo shoes,
…..haha just kidding, I can never be in yo shoes…..
Can’t be in yo shoes cos 99.9% of the time, I’m the crushee. *pops collar*
Can’t count the number of honeys who boob-hug my photo while they lay in their beds at night hopelessly fantasizing about me.
*adjusts RayBan*

Don’t hate! *side-eyes some envious niggurs*

As for the other 0.1% of the time, the honeys I manage to crush on will even reciprocate with double intensity (ask Nicki M, Amber R, Megan G, Toolz, ur girlfriend, etc). Well, basically bcos I’m the epitome of charm (not the ijebu version o) and I drip of awesomeness, manliness, swagoo and all dah shiii. *high-fives myself*

Wait wait waaaaaaiiiiiiiit! Did I just hear “mtcheeeew” from ur mouth? U hating on a brother already? Is that a sneer I see on ur face? U think I’m lying about my awesomeness? So u want me to show u screenshots of Nicki begging me to send my nudes?
Or that of Amber always asking me when we gon chill? Ion even wanna talkabou the numerous phone calls from Meagan or the love texts from Toolz cos if I talk now, some of u’d say I’m bragging. Mtcheeew! U people don’t know anything.

Ok enough of me and my awesomeness. Sorry for digressing (pfft! sorry indeed). Back to the topic.

Urmmm so ur crush don’t even know u exist? That shit don’t count as heartbreak.

#2
U’re lost in the heat of obsession, so you invest time and dough seriously toasting that babe even though u know in ur heart of hearts she aint into u.
(see what I did there? heat…dough…toasting).
Then when she friend-zones, brother-zones, nerd-zones or fatherchristmas-zones ur ass, u say she’s broken ur heart. Mtcheeew.
That’s not heartbreak.

Before some of u ladies squeal with devilish glee, this zoning thing goes two ways. Some of u just keep forcing urself on a nigga when u know deep-down he aint feeling u and eventually get friend-zoned, clubgirl-zoned, chore-zoned, fuck-zoned, *insert ur zone here*, etc.

#3
Relationship ends courtesy of the guy……or the babe…….or both. Next, they start complaining of heartbreak and shiii. Facebook, twitter, whatsapp, BBM status updates change to stuffs like:

“fuck love I’m done trying”
“love is wicked”
“all men are the same, heartbreakers!”
“I’m gon move on, u can’t bring me down” bla bla bla…

Hot tears of painment are shed while Eamon Caroll’s “Dont u want u back” and Toni Braxton’s “Unbreak my heart” blast on repeat on ur headset.


Fuck this shit

So I just give 3 examples of what heartbreak is commonly misconstrued to mean.
In the next post, I’m gonna educate u mortals on what exactly constitutes real heartbreak.
Till then, I remain the one and only immortal Awesomus Maximus.